Monday, March 30, 2009

The death penalty for shoplifting

I believe in social justice. I believe in an equitable civil society where the needs of all are met without judgement or recrimination. I believe in the death penalty for shoplifting.

Self employment in retail does things to you. Before I created and sold my art at Keystone Quay I would never have considered electrocution as a solution to petty theft. Now, in the darkest days of the winter lull when a sale literally means tonight we eat I can't help these malevolent feelings from bubbling through. I am very fond of old ladies but when one of the old dears bags even the cheapest trinket it's all I can do to not crush their toes with a hammer.

When I finally snap and am writing this blog from a prison cell I hope you will all be kind. My fellow retailers will send me cakes with files inside and post my picture near their cash registers for inspiration. (post as in manually stick an actual photo on a real machine in real time)

In the meantime, for those predisposed to generalization, teenagers are good customers. You have to watch out for the middle aged ladies. A little theft is the only thrill they get.


  1. Hey the menopausal madames have a few thrills left in us yet Birdman! Nice blog. I like the lime green sorbet margins. Are you going to tweet as well?